Diary of a Peach » Emotional

Good Woman, Cat Power

Annalisa — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 20:54:54 +0000

“I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

I don’t want to be a bad woman
And I can’t stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don’t love you no more

Cause I want to be a good woman
And I want for you to be a good man”

Good Woman, Cat Power (Album: You Are Free)

Thanks for saying what I can’t say.

Seeing as how you refuse to speak to me, maybe you’ll come across this explanation some day and feel like a prick.

Annalisa — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 13:49:54 +0000

Dear you,
You are a very selfish, manipulative, inconsiderate, controlling, and insecure person. I cared about you in spite of that. It’s too bad for you I ran out of patience. And apparently it’s too bad for me, seeing as how you could’ve cared more about chewed gum plastered to the sidewalk than you cared about me. Here is how I came to these conclusions:
1. You demand 100X more attention than you could ever dream of giving anyone else.
2. You expect things to be done for you.
3. You made more of an effort brushing your teeth in the morning than you did when it came to our relationship (except for that one occasion with the rose, of course. But I’m focusing on the negatives now, as usual.)
4. YOU REFUSED TO TRUST ME. That’s the kicker. This is the one that ultimately led to our demise.
5. You also refused to believe a word I said.
6. You falsely accused me on multiple occasions of participating in scandalous behavior.
7. You were "done" with our relationship about 27 times (while intoxicated), and then took in back when you reached sobriety.
8. You were never satisfied with me.

In other words, fuck you.

[This is the part I'd rather not include.... but I have to give both sides]
….And in spite of all those things I said just then, I have never cared about anyone more than I did for you. Here is how I came to this conclusion:
1. I got butterflies every single time we kissed.
2. I wanted to cry every time you played me the guitar.
3. I did cry every time we were "done". Sorry I never told you… I was just always afraid that maybe it would be true.
4. I’m crying now.
5. I hate falling asleep without you.
6. I hate waking up without you.
7. I hated myself every time you were angry with me, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong.
8. I hate that I find it impossible to comfort you despite my feverish efforts.
9. More often than not, I felt compassion towards you when you were controlling rather than anger , because I know you couldn’t help but worry about me. I always thought it was sweet.
10. I just wanted to kiss you every single time you smiled.
11. I’ll never forget a word that was said while we were in bed.
12. Black kitchen appliances and snakes will always remind me of you.
13. Grocery shopping will remind me of you.
14. You give the softest kisses I’ve ever known.
15. You made me crazy… because all I ever wanted was for you to know how much I loved you and how much I appreciated you and how much I did for you and how much you mean to me.

16. I worried about you just as much as you worried about me, if not more. I just never said anything because I knew at the end of the day I was yours and you were mine, and that was enough for me.

17. The thought of you bringing another girl home to sleep in your bed makes tears well up in my eyes.

You were the only reason for me to stick around this place. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be perfect for you, but I tried. I’m sorry I wouldn’t cater to your every whim, but it’s not in my nature. I’m sorry we pushed each other away. But in all honesty, I think you pushed me away because you wanted me to leave. I think living single is your ideal lifestyle, but it tends to conflict with your unwavering need to feel loved and adored. I’m not sure what to do with you, or what to make of our relationship.

I dread the thought of you replacing me, or falling for another girl. But I know it’s inevitable. I just hope you’re still single when I move home… maybe some time apart will help us both figure out what the fuck we want and why we couldn’t make it work the first time. Maybe we got too close too fast. Maybe we were both just desperate to find love. Whatever the case may be, I’m attached to you and there’s nothing I can do about it now.

You might be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Because if I can’t win you back in May, losing you will be the biggest regret of my life.

All my love,
me.

p.s. I’ll work out my mexi-butt while I’m gone. If all else fails, it will be my not-so-secret weapon.

Keeping you company.

Annalisa — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 10:55:16 +0000

I’m happy to know that I could keep you company.
and that I could help you pass the time.

Too bad that was all I was good for.
Distraction.
Some people dissociate with alcohol.
Some with drugs.
But you chose me.

You are selfish.
Vain.

In reality you do not match that pretty picture you painted for me.
Maybe if I throw up all over that pretty canvas it would mirror you better.

Actually, I think I’ll just throw it away.

To Whom it May Concern

Annalisa — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:30:50 +0000

I’m holding on tight to my end of the red string. I hope you know where yours is.

I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this. So if you don’t read it before I find you, I guess we just have good luck. And if we never find eachother, this was all in vain.

At least maybe someone bought . . . → Read More: To Whom it May Concern

Will I ever be found?

Annalisa — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 17:32:14 +0000

No one need respond or say anything about this: I just need to vent.

So, I really like to think that maybe some day someone will see me for what I am and not what I appear to be. And hopefully that person will become so infatuated with me that they love me. It makes me feel narcissistic to say such things, but in reality that’s not too much to ask. Or am I just misunderstanding this whole "true love" concept?

I realize I’m too young to be looking. But I’m also very impatient and I want to find it as soon as possible. However, I refuse to settle for anything less than absolute, unconditional, passionate love. Refuse.

Maybe I’m just crazy.
Or maybe this is just normal.